My wife and I have been going through a lot in the past 3 months (not arguing, but life challenges). Most of it revolves around the trauma I endured from sexual abuse as a child. It causes me to be unsure of myself, depressed at times, scared like I'm a little kid again, and just generally in an extremely vulnerable place emotionally. It gets to the point where I just sometimes lay my head on my wife's lap and just hold her as tight as possible. God has showed my wife that it has something to do with my "inner child" that is still scared of being abused again. I've felt these emotions as well - being afraid that my abusers will come around again and hurt me.
The fear is illogical, because one is in a retirement home and the other is in his 70s. I am a heavily build man in my 30s, and there is no chance of it happening again while they are alive. But for some reason, this "child" inside me has emotions that are nigh impossible to control. The positive side of this post is that I am experiencing significant healing during my church's "21 days of prayer," as my wife prays for me. I thank God for His power in my life, and that He has already taken away the vast majority of PTSD from my Army service in Afghanistan. Most of what's left is from my childhood. But even that is being steadily chipped away at by healing prayer and a counseling technique called EMDR.
What I've realized through all this is I have a great capacity for weakness. I am still uncomfortable with being weak, as I have fear that people will use my weaknesses against me, but God says His power is made perfect in weakness. So God will use my weakness for His glory, somehow. I don't always understand God's ways, but I am trying to trust Him more. He promises to lead me in straight paths. Bless His Holy name.
The world around me calls me unfit...just as the Army called me "unfit" after they retired me for combat-related PTSD. But God loves the unfit. He uses the unfit, is what His Word says. He uses sinners. He used Paul, who called himself the worst sinner of all. He used uninfluential fishermen who abandoned Him when the hammer came down and He was arrested. He used weak people because they were not conniving, not self-righteous, not manipulative, not false or double-minded. Many "strong" people in society can develop these faults, and it can hinder or extinguish the Spirit's work in their lives. I can be "strong" at times. I can be prone to self-righteousness. But being weak and remembering what it is like for others who are weak gives me more treasure in heaven than if I were the strongest man on the planet - when I feel weak, I am more compassionate, empathetic, and tender. I'm discovering what it means to be okay with "weakness," and to accept it as part of life rather than despising it. It can even be a gift to be made weak, because we draw close to God very quickly. So while there is pain and there will be pain, in my weakness I am realizing that God has a plan for me to prosper regardless of how strong I am. He loves me as I am, unconditionally. And He loves each one of us that way too. God Bless you, and God Love you.
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