Before going into this, I'd like to give you a disclaimer: the "steps" that I give may or may not be right for you, but they were what God knew would be perfect for me. I feel that some variation on them could be right for all trauma/grief survivors, but that's not for me to say - take what is useful, and leave what is not.
Secondly, I got pretty far into the article without touching on forgiveness, and I just want to say that before healing took place, I had to forgive those who harmed me. Forgiveness sets me free, and it sets everyone free. I know that this step IS right for everyone, because Jesus says it (Matthew 6:14).
Now for the article. Trigger warning, it mentions sexual abuse.
When I was a child, I was raped by two priests. One walked in on the other raping me, then walked out. When the one who raped me left the parish, the other one started doing the same thing to me. This went on for several years total. They used religious phrases in their assaults. For instance, one would say to me, “Prepare to receive the breath of God,” as he kissed me. That’s all I’ll go into, because a description of the acts is not the point of this article. The point is how I can still love God after those who claim to serve Him did unspeakable things to me. Unusually for a Catholic that age, I had already received Christ outside the church, so Jesus was already a part of me when this all happened.
EMDR therapy helped tremendously in my recovery, so I would recommend that to anyone who has experienced the same thing. But what about forgiving God? I blamed God for so many things over the years, even when the memories were repressed. I went to a Christian counselor recently, and he had me make a list of grievances against people I had to forgive. I made a list, and they were all against God. The counselor deftly pointed out to me that I didn’t have a single grievance against the priests on my list. I let them off the hook and blamed my Creator instead. But that was how I felt.
So I have been able to redirect my grievances against the proper parties now (and that was a long process). But I was still left with the question, “How could God love me and let this happen?” It wasn’t a question of blame, but a question of feeling worthy of God’s love. I doubted He loved me. Well, I’ve prayed by myself, with my wife, and with others for over a year about this very subject, and I wanted to tell you what I’ve received as an answer, in case you need an answer too.
The Lord told me that He “saw” me when I was raped all those times. Not just that He was casually observing. But that He saw EVERYTHING that happened and found out EVERY vile motive of my oppressor. He saw what happened to me, and He saw who did it to me. He will repay justice for evil, and grace for repentance. We reap what we sow. That is straight from the Bible. If those who raped me do not repent, they will reap the justice of hell. If those who raped me do turn, repent, and follow Jesus, they will receive mercy, and now I do not have a problem with that. I used to have a problem with that because I wanted hell for them. But the Lord showed me that since I am not perfect, I cannot justify unforgiveness in my heart. That is the same way with the entire human race.
So He saw me. He saw it happen. And He recorded everything. The Bible says He writes everything down in His book, (Psalm 56:8) everything that we do and everything that others do to us. The Lord will give justice for me, and nothing escapes His gaze, which pierces the very hearts of humankind (Hebrews 4:12). Step one of me understanding how God could still be “for me” after all this was Him showing me that He saw me and will give justice.
What was the next step? I wondered how God could let rape happen; after my memories came back in therapy, I was despairing at how to resolve this. I felt God told me that what happened to me was not His will. I think that’s important to remember in this. But I was still stuck on the question, why did He allow it to happen? Why didn’t He sovereignly prevent it? Well, I could go into a treatise on how God respects human free will to the point that He will never truly violate it, even if we do evil. And the priests who raped me are included among humanity, for better or for worse. But knowing that didn’t help me, so it probably won’t help you either. I did get an answer that helped me though: it was allowed to happen because He loves me, and He allows me to participate in the sufferings of Christ. I don’t know if that seems offensive to you, but as a rape survivor it makes me feel comforted. It was not His will, yet He did not sovereignly prevent it because He allows me to participate in the sufferings of Christ, and through it all He loves me. That was stage two of me understanding how God is still good, even though this happened.
When I told my wife that, she said she felt that maybe because nothing like that ever happened to her, God didn’t love her as much. Imagine that! I didn’t think anyone would feel that way, but some do. I want to reassure you that even if you have not been sexually abused, beaten, or raped, God still loves you and I’m sure you have been through things or will go through things that will allow you to participate in the sufferings of Christ for His sake. After all, Jesus says to each disciple, “Pick up your cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24) I pray that what happened to me will never happen to you, but we will face (or have already faced) persecution in our life (James 1:2).
Back to the main topic, we’re moving on to step 3. Step one was that He saw me and that He will repay, step 2 was that it happened because He loves me and allows me to share in Christ’s sufferings, and step 3 is understanding that “all things" are used for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28). God will use even this to make me better – He did not will it, but He will redeem it. He will redeem what happened to me and make me stronger as a result. I am still in the middle of the healing process, but I tell you it's getting tremendously better. I am down from three psychiatric medications to one, and looking to get off them altogether (all with doctor's permission). I believe that when we seek healing persistently, we will find supernatural healing in God’s strength, not our own. I believe I will be fully healed in this lifetime. The trauma gone, the insecurities secured.
If you haven’t made progress with healing, I have one answer for you: seek it. Seek it more. The more you seek, that faster you will find, and scripture promises that those who seek will find (Matthew 7:7). Hold onto that promise and make it your motto. You will find your healing in the Lord’s strength when you persistently seek it.
Healing can take years, as it has for me, or it can take 45 minutes, as it does for some people. According to Francis MacNutt, an expert and practitioner of supernatural healing through Jesus, emotional healing generally takes time, while physical healing can take minutes or seconds to happen. Stay encouraged and find a partner to pray with you through your depression, panic attacks, bipolar or schizophrenia. God will heal it all. It is His will to heal, and if you have to seek a faith healer or 10, you should do it. Do anything besides giving up. My wife and I will pray for you if it comes down to it. You just have to ask.
So that’s how I’m getting past everything that happened. Just to review:
1. God saw what happened, recorded every act and thought of my abusers, and He will give me perfect justice. I do not desire hell for them anymore, but repentance. Forgiving them was part of this step.
2. It was not His will, but He did not sovereignly prevent it for two reasons: He does not overtake the free will of an oppressor, and He allows the oppressed to participate in the sufferings of Christ, for a time.
3. We will not be crushed by participating in the sufferings of Christ. In fact, He will use it all for our good. If we feel we are broken, He isn’t done. We should seek healing and seek Him with all our strength, because He is the Answer.
If you are seeking healing, I would recommend the books of Francis MacNutt. Find someone who is baptized in the Spirit to pray for you, because they have the full power of the Holy Spirit resting on them to work in the power of God. There is also a healing service with a man who has a great healing anointing at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City - his name is Dan Bohi, and he has a healing service every Tuesday night. You can find out more at www.ihopkc.org. Don't give up.
Emotional healing is a process. Even if all my trauma was gone today, it would not be over, and it has been continuous my whole lifelong. It will continue to get better and better the rest of my life. The trauma is mostly gone for me, but my feelings still need to be healed, and it will likely always be getting better this way, because new things happen to us all the time, and we are continually sanctified - our human fallenness is continually being healed and getting better, praise Jesus. It is just as important as the healing from trauma. Just as important, if not of greater importance. So God will make me better my whole life!!!
We (Christians) are all being healed from the fall of Adam and Eve, and we're all made better and better in God's timing. Our human race is constantly being redeemed when we seek Jesus. The members who seek Him are being healed of the things that happen every day, and their patience is being made greater day by day. Mine particularly. Working on patience right now. Thank you Jesus, Amen.
God sees you. God bless you, God love you, and God save you!
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