This post is meant first and foremost for the education of Christians, so if you are not a Christian, fair warning, it might not apply to you.
I'm one of the most hateful and loving persons I've ever known. Why is that important? Because I'm constantly learning how impossible it is to demand perfection from others, when I myself am not perfect. By demanding perfection from others, I am setting an expectation that is impossible for even me to meet. If I can't meet it, how can I possibly demand that others meet it?
That's something to remember for the rest of this narrative. And it's also a concept in the Biblical narrative. People are missing this narrative in so many ways these days, and I am among the guilty. I say this not to say that it is hopeless, but to say that there is grace, even for we who fall short all the time. Paul said he was among the worst sinners, and because of this, Jesus saved him to show that *anyone* could be saved. I've felt like Paul sometimes.
But that doesn't stop me from learning. That doesn't stop me from seeking. And thank God, the Lord says, “Seek, and you will find (Matthew 7:7).” And I found the key to happiness in this world: the forgiveness of enemies, and love for them. I was in the Army for 10 years – 4 years at West Point, and 6 years as an officer. I saw many ways of behaving in my time there, but I never saw a peaceful, nonviolent way. I saw some ways that were better than others, and I tried to pick the best way I could. The way I picked was being honest, hard-working, and doing nothing against regulations, while demanding that others acted as perfect as you did. That did not include the forgiveness of enemies, however.
I retired from the Army with a medical discharge due to PTSD and asthma, and I found that no one really cared what I thought anymore. In the Army, since I was an officer, everyone had at least feigned respect for me, so I could always feel at ease. But in the latter moments of the Army, when everyone knew I was leaving, and after I left, I had to fight from the bottom up again. The attitude that the Army had instilled in me was to beleaguer your enemies until they were defeated, or became your friends. This applied both to enemies of the United States and enemies within the Army that I was a part of – work enemies. I carried resentments against people I met in the Army for years afterward, and whenever someone would disrespect me after I was out, I would try and make sure they changed their tune, regardless of the tactics.
That was the attitude that I learned from the world, and even from others who I knew were Evangelical Christians. It was “hate for anyone who crosses you,” not “love for enemies,” as Jesus says. But Jesus gives us a better message: You have heard it said, 'An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.’. But I say to you, love you enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you (Matthew 5).” But I thought that was a fantasy – a fairytale. No one I knew actually lived that out. Everyone I talked to about it told me that it was the ideal, but we're still on Earth, so it's just impossible to do perfectly – meaning, don't lose any sleep over not fulfilling this command. I've never heard any of the other commandments of the Bible talked about less literally by people who literally interpret the Bible. I even heard it talked about this way by a professor at a seminary which literally interprets the Bible.
Fast-forward to me at seminary in 2019, living through all the division and turmoil that we're living through now, and actually going through the entire New Testament. I watched a video testimony of Dr. John Mulinde, a pastor and missionary from Uganda who was speaking at IHOP. If you click this link, you can watch it – I highly recommend it. He was speaking about a time in his life when God came to him in prayer and told him his heart was not right, and that he would not enter the Kingdom of God if he was taken today. The Lord spoke to him on his various failings, from habitual thoughts (yes, just thoughts) of lust, to his toxic leadership style. Afterward, he and his missionary team members felt no peace when they prayed, and they started on a marathon of prayer, which eventually led to their repentance for the various ways they were falling short.
During Dr. Mulinde's talk, I began feeling no peace. I felt this “blocked off” feeling that he had described when God chastised him, almost as if God was telling me there was something wrong with me too. Then suddenly, images of myself committing various hateful sins came to my mind, and I knew I had to repent. I began praying to God, and asked Him to help me follow the command to love even one's enemies. Over weeks and months of praying and feeling convicted by my continual failure, things began to improve. My interactions with other people improved, and I became friendly even toward people who treated me badly. I didn't always forgive right away, and I still fail and fall short, just as we all do, but my modus operandi is now to love and forgive instead of to hate and condemn. And it came at just the right time, because with everything that was happening in the country, I found no peace anywhere. But afterward, I began to eventually achieve this sense of peace with my enemies and thus with everything in the world.
I know there's still injustice and hate, and I personally despise these sins. I don’t approve of the people who commit them. But I don't hate them either. I pray for them to change, because I see that I myself changed only through prayer. Prayer is the most powerful weapon against evil we have. If prayer could not change things, Jesus would not have prayed for His followers in John (John 17:6-26). If we pray to change ourselves, and we do so until God changes us, we can then help to change society. Because it's only after we take the log out of our own eye that we can take the splinter out of our neighbor's eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
I'm one of the most hateful and loving persons I've ever known. Why is that important? Because I'm constantly learning how impossible it is to demand perfection from others, when I myself am not perfect. By demanding perfection from others, I am setting an expectation that is impossible for even me to meet. If I can't meet it, how can I possibly demand that others meet it?
That's something to remember for the rest of this narrative. And it's also a concept in the Biblical narrative. People are missing this narrative in so many ways these days, and I am among the guilty. I say this not to say that it is hopeless, but to say that there is grace, even for we who fall short all the time. Paul said he was among the worst sinners, and because of this, Jesus saved him to show that *anyone* could be saved. I've felt like Paul sometimes.
But that doesn't stop me from learning. That doesn't stop me from seeking. And thank God, the Lord says, “Seek, and you will find (Matthew 7:7).” And I found the key to happiness in this world: the forgiveness of enemies, and love for them. I was in the Army for 10 years – 4 years at West Point, and 6 years as an officer. I saw many ways of behaving in my time there, but I never saw a peaceful, nonviolent way. I saw some ways that were better than others, and I tried to pick the best way I could. The way I picked was being honest, hard-working, and doing nothing against regulations, while demanding that others acted as perfect as you did. That did not include the forgiveness of enemies, however.
I retired from the Army with a medical discharge due to PTSD and asthma, and I found that no one really cared what I thought anymore. In the Army, since I was an officer, everyone had at least feigned respect for me, so I could always feel at ease. But in the latter moments of the Army, when everyone knew I was leaving, and after I left, I had to fight from the bottom up again. The attitude that the Army had instilled in me was to beleaguer your enemies until they were defeated, or became your friends. This applied both to enemies of the United States and enemies within the Army that I was a part of – work enemies. I carried resentments against people I met in the Army for years afterward, and whenever someone would disrespect me after I was out, I would try and make sure they changed their tune, regardless of the tactics.
That was the attitude that I learned from the world, and even from others who I knew were Evangelical Christians. It was “hate for anyone who crosses you,” not “love for enemies,” as Jesus says. But Jesus gives us a better message: You have heard it said, 'An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.’. But I say to you, love you enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you (Matthew 5).” But I thought that was a fantasy – a fairytale. No one I knew actually lived that out. Everyone I talked to about it told me that it was the ideal, but we're still on Earth, so it's just impossible to do perfectly – meaning, don't lose any sleep over not fulfilling this command. I've never heard any of the other commandments of the Bible talked about less literally by people who literally interpret the Bible. I even heard it talked about this way by a professor at a seminary which literally interprets the Bible.
Fast-forward to me at seminary in 2019, living through all the division and turmoil that we're living through now, and actually going through the entire New Testament. I watched a video testimony of Dr. John Mulinde, a pastor and missionary from Uganda who was speaking at IHOP. If you click this link, you can watch it – I highly recommend it. He was speaking about a time in his life when God came to him in prayer and told him his heart was not right, and that he would not enter the Kingdom of God if he was taken today. The Lord spoke to him on his various failings, from habitual thoughts (yes, just thoughts) of lust, to his toxic leadership style. Afterward, he and his missionary team members felt no peace when they prayed, and they started on a marathon of prayer, which eventually led to their repentance for the various ways they were falling short.
During Dr. Mulinde's talk, I began feeling no peace. I felt this “blocked off” feeling that he had described when God chastised him, almost as if God was telling me there was something wrong with me too. Then suddenly, images of myself committing various hateful sins came to my mind, and I knew I had to repent. I began praying to God, and asked Him to help me follow the command to love even one's enemies. Over weeks and months of praying and feeling convicted by my continual failure, things began to improve. My interactions with other people improved, and I became friendly even toward people who treated me badly. I didn't always forgive right away, and I still fail and fall short, just as we all do, but my modus operandi is now to love and forgive instead of to hate and condemn. And it came at just the right time, because with everything that was happening in the country, I found no peace anywhere. But afterward, I began to eventually achieve this sense of peace with my enemies and thus with everything in the world.
I know there's still injustice and hate, and I personally despise these sins. I don’t approve of the people who commit them. But I don't hate them either. I pray for them to change, because I see that I myself changed only through prayer. Prayer is the most powerful weapon against evil we have. If prayer could not change things, Jesus would not have prayed for His followers in John (John 17:6-26). If we pray to change ourselves, and we do so until God changes us, we can then help to change society. Because it's only after we take the log out of our own eye that we can take the splinter out of our neighbor's eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
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